Behind All The Pretense

In the darkness of my thoughts, when all the lights are turned off; and all the curtains are drawn; and all the doors are shut and tightly locked, I think about you. In the constraints of my walls, I open my box, layer by layer; dust by dust; peeling the thin skin of my feelings cautiously because I know that I need to lay it back just the way it was once the doors to the outside world are open. The outside world – where you stand and irrespective of how much I hurt inside, I mask a smile and look at you just to watch you smile back at me.  

Delicate and fragile, I contemplate running into your arms. It’s not when you hold me strong but when you don’t hold me at all when I would break. So I stand still, grounded in my thoughts while everything continues to stir around me. But the feelings never stop. They gush through every lane of my body; burning my skin and the insides.

I find a strange kind of warmth even while you stand cold outside. I look outside my window and watch the snow fall mercilessly while I support a hailstorm inside me. You know, it would be summer if you could smile at me just once and mean it? I would wear my yellow summer dress and go strolling in the orchard; pretending that you are there with me, walking, not hand in hand but locking my entire world to yours by just a finger. Oh! How lovely would it feel for the sunny July to return!

And while I unravel in your reverie, I find it’s time to return back to what truly is. I slip into the skin of my feelings again- warily; not so that I don’t break it but so that I don’t have to grow it back again. Last time I broke it, it grew stronger; but then everything you shed your blood for does find its way back into your veins. So, I lock my box five times and mask a smile before I unlock my doors. I pull up the curtains and turn on the lights and step out just so that I can find comfort in existing around you as someone strong and proud if not anything else at all.