A Thousand Years Later

It had been a thousand years since I had seen you last. In a deliberate attempt to feed my memory, I conjured an excuse to pass you by today. It was a casual encounter that a passerby has with an architectural marvel while his vehicle speeds him away at a hundred twenty kilometers; beholding the greed of absorbing every ounce of detail of the art in a mere fraction of a second.

Likewise, I passed you by today- hesitant to meet your eyes and spoilt for the choice of seeping in your design, your fashion or the emotions shuffling across your eyes and smile. Amidst the chaos that was plundering my heart, I saw enough of nothing. Not even the color of your shirt. It was a glimpse so short that it's memory lost it's way to my heart as if it went into a self destruct mode before I could touch it.

But it happened again. Your voice fluttered it's wings onto my ears and before I knew, my body had turned to follow it, as if my body had a mind of it's own. I saw a flash of your beautiful silhouette and time froze into a velvet capsule, my heart beating in a scattered frenzy that could outrun a jetplane; my gut knotted around my tender neck and my breath caught in a bubble wrap waiting to pop; my cheeks flustered with darting radiations of a nuclear fission that could burn down the entire universe if I dared look at you once again.

And once more, the mind of it's own pushed me to hide behind the wooden desk like a timid gazelle ducking to camouflage itself at the sight of it's predator; like a scared teenage girl so shy she could run for her life if her lover crossed the next by lane. My body limp with the fear of unknown and my thoughts numb from your tepid demeanor, but it couldn't care less about the crowd that gathered around me. As I raised my disheveled mind half hoping you were still there, I watched you vaporize into your obvious territory.

Twenty Five Seconds of Bliss

I opened my eyes to find myself in an uncomfortable wooden box locked from the inside. Panicked, I looked for the key frantically till all I found was disappointment. I had to find the key that fit the lock. And so I searched again. And again, while I kept staggering upon splinters of misfortune that kept me locked inside for what felt like days. 

I had begun to notice the aesthetics of the construct of the inside walls; the contours designed by the cracks and the art in the dark green blotches. While I struggled in the dark, the saw dust dancing in the pencil thin ray of stifled optimism found it's way to me through the keyhole. Ah! That sweet yet humid smell of hope. Once it stung my soul, it precipitated and drenched the collars of my anguish and replaced it with a million flickering crimson red candles that consumed me till I was left at the mercy of my belief in a power much higher than my own. I acknowledged it and accepted it. It didn't annihilate me but it grounded me immensely.

As the walls of the box began to crumble around me, I wondered whether I had found the right key or outgrown the constraints of my own box. I ambled onto the streets of my new found perspective with a calm too endearing to behold. There was a sense of quiet inside me that I had never stumbled upon before; the kind of silence that only the colors of a picturesque could contain; sublime and serene yet disturbing to the heart but only enough to bring tears of tenderness to the eyes. And so, while it lasted, I resigned to it in a blissful surrender.

To The Person You Used to Be

"The moment rewinds like a film in my mind. There always comes a time to an ending I despise. Someday, when it's not too late; Someday, when I stop myself from running your way. Will I see the good in good-bye, you say?"

The pain of letting go - why does one have to go through it? Is it not easier to not love at all and live as detached beings. Are the forgetful really that blessed? 

Had I wished to, I could choose to erase your presence from my life like death rips soul from a body; gracefully, not a trace left behind. But I chose the path of dealing with the pain; of memorizing it and accepting it as my very own. It's a slow gradual process but it is also the one that'll truly acknowledge your presence in my life; like the last rites are performed to redeem a soul from the worldly belongings. It is painful, true; but it is only after you have earned the redemption that your journey begins; that you can truly say that you have really loved. 

You never acknowledged my presence in your life. You may also wonder what about us stirred such strong emotions in me. It could have been a look, or a touch, or a few words exchanged out of sheer politeness. The truth is that even I am unaware. But what I do know with certainty is that when I discover it I would have discovered something I don't have a name for. 

Every strong relationship writes on art, I feel. But maybe, it was only I amongst both of us who gave this relationship the tangible form that it deserves. I couldn't voice it earlier because I was apprehensive about what you might think. But now it's time for me to leave and I guess I have nothing else to lose.  

With Love,

To the person you used to be. 

Because It Was You and It Was Me

Sometimes, you just really love some people and then get your heart broken in some way or the other. The reason doesn't matter and although it feels like eternity but you do get over them. 

Sometimes, after a million years you run into them again. There are no hard feelings. Infact there are no feelings at all. So, you go back to your closet and think why in the world did you ever like them. You think of the old times and the memories gush to you in a black and white flashblack. But when that reel of flashback burns out, you are still left with the same question although not daunting in the dark. 

The best part is you couldn't bother less because somewhere in your heart you know that when there is no reason at all, the answer to that question simply is... "because it was him and because it was me".

Someday, maybe I would feel the same about you and maybe even ask myself the same question. But until then I am right here. :*

Thirty Seconds

“I’ve been trying today to bring back your face. Most clearly I remember your eyes, with a kind of teasing smile in them, and the feeling of that soft spot just northeast of the corner of your mouth against my lips.”

A month has passed but everyday, since the past three weeks I have been spending eight hours a day to catch a thirty seconds glimpse of you; wishing you would say something to someone and I would get to hear your voice; wondering if you had anything left unsaid to me and hoping that you would say it now.

You leave me with a little of you everytime you pass me by. Sometimes, you smile; sometimes you wink and sometimes you just make a funny face. It might last a moment for you but for me it stays. It stays for the next few hours; lasts while I am on my way back home and barely enough till I put myself to bed with a thought of a better tomorrow. But tomorrow never gets better and now I just do it so that I can take home enough of you along with me to last for the day. 

There are days when I don’t see you at all. On days like these I shut my eyes and though I am almost always unsure of my ability to recall faces, yours just brightens the screen of my retina bringing back tattered bits of memories that I have with you which I have gathered over time. It’s like a collage and I relive each picture, no matter how small or big; and I secretly wish I had danced with you that night while you held me close instead of breaking into fits of crazy laughter to veil my awkwardness. 

I don’t know what I feel for you. If I wouldn’t have known love, I would have thought that I love you. But I don’t. It’s an unfamiliar magnetic force that pulls me and my thoughts towards the farthest stretch of your memory. It’s a feeling of strong emotions mixed with pangs of guilty pleasures; bouts of longing for soft sensual caressing mixed with wild scent of desire and animal passion. And while I desperately crave for your warm breath against my racing heartbeats and for your sweat against mine, those thirty seconds still suffice.

I miss you. I really really do. And irrespective of what logic tells me, I still believe with my entire existence that    you’ll come by and reciprocate instead of merely responding to my feelings in affirmative or otherwise. I know   I told you that I need you. That night I was drunk. But I guess I was right.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

"I was getting ready to forget you. Do you know? This made me remember so many almost forgotten memories." 

~ Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind